Thursday, October 4, 2007

Max Lager's American Grill

** 1/2

RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

Captain: Smock, what's happening?

Smock: Captain, it appears we are entering a disruption in the space-time continuum.  Something is happening to our bridge.

Captain: It looks like we are now in a, a, pub?

Smock: Early twenty-first century to be exact.

Captain: Well, while we are here, might as well make the best of it.

Waitress: Hi, Welcome to Max Lager's.  Can I start you off with some drinks?

Captain: Yes, I'd like your finest lager and Mr. Smock will have a Shirley Temple in a sippy cup.

Smock: Please Captain, you know the sippy cup is only for use during my culture's mating ritual. Do not make me use a colorful metaphor to describe your level of disrespect.

Captain: Fine, bring it to him in a regular glass.  Also my lovely dear, bring me the fettuccine alfredo and a side of cheese sticks

Waitress: Right away sir

[A few minutes pass]

Captain: I have to tell you Smock, the food is great and the beer better than Romanian Ale

Smock: Yes Captain.  The service is also excellent

[The room is suddenly jolted]

Smock: Captain, we have encountered another rift in the space-time continuum

Captain: I don't notice anything differ... hey, what happened to my food?

Smock: It appears that your pasta is now an order of fish and chips.

Captain: Whatever, I'm hungry, fish and chips works for me.

Smock: CAPTAIN WAIT!  Sensors indicate that the fish you just ate is not fully cooked.

Captain: Smock, why does everyone suddenly have goatees?  Waitress!

Waiter: Um, dude, can I like help you or something?

Captain: Where is our waitress?

Waiter: I'm you waiter and have been all day.  Didn't you all have goatees when you came in?

Captain: {MOAN} Smock, my stomach is filled with pain

Smock: Dr. Sticks McSick to the bridge.

Sticks: [Enters the bridge/pub] What's going on here?

Smock: The Captain's food is undercooked.

Sticks: Good God man, I'm a doctor, not a cook!

Captain: I don't want you to cook this awful food, help me with my pain.

Sticks: This place looks familiar.  Captain, my medical scanner doodad that makes me totally irrelevant says you are sick from eating undercooked fish.  I know I've been to this place before.

Smock: Highly unlikely Doctor.  We are in a place named "Max Lager's" from the early twenty first century.

Sticks: Max Lager's!  Yes, I have been here before.  In my hometown of New Atlanta, it is a museum

Captain: A museum? What kind of museum?

Sticks: A Capture the Flag museum.  In the early twenty-first century a small group of brave and stunningly attractive members of society banned together to play a game called Capture the Flag.  The museum commemorates their struggles and eventual domination of the French... restaurant that wanted to stop them.

Smock: It appears we have once again gone through another rift in the...

Captain: Yeah, yeah, we know.  Hey I feel better.  And my beer tastes great.

Waitress: Looks like you enjoyed your fetticini.  Can I get you anything else?  Perhaps a dessert?

Captain: Well my attractive and lovely hostess cupcake dessert, there is something you can do for...

Sticks: What happened to everyone's goatees?

Smock: It appears that we are caught in a paradox.  A restaurant that one day has excellent food and service and the next day is bad enough to make a Clintgon ill.  Fascinating!

Captain: I don't want to be stuck here, let's pay the bill and get out of here.  No reason to hang around somewhere with a split personality, even if the women aren't green or have four arms.